Cape Cod Harvest Books - Plymouth, MA

As a Mayflower descendant, I do, from time to time return to Plymouth, the town where my ancestors discovered America and rescued it from the hands of the tyrannous Native Americans. Last weekend, I decided to make one of these familiar pilgrimages (no pun intended) to see the land of my forefathers, to stand on the shore and pay respect to those who perished on the perilous journey across the Atlantic, and to indulge in an abundance of tourist-ridden fanfare and seafood, fried beyond recognition (read: to perfection).

However, as I was walking through one of the local gift shops, perusing the local storekeeper’s wares, I noticed a collection of books called Cape Cod Harvest. I looked closer and realized that the font on these books was none other than Papyrus. Aghast, I snapped a quick photo then proceeded to lift the display shelf on which the books stood and threw it across the room. I screamed, “My ancestors left their comfortable English homes to sail across the Atlantic Ocean, domesticate the Native Americans, and rid this land of their tyrannical rule so that you could be free! And what do you do with your freedom? You use Papyrus font on your souvenir story books! Well, frankly, I’m ashamed and if Christopher Columbus were here, I think he would regret ever sailing the Mayflower to these wretched shores!”

The store employee promptly escorted me from the premises. And get this: she had the audacity to claim that I didn’t have a clear grasp on American history. Hah!

Patrollers beware, Plymouth may seem like a nice, touristy area, but it has a dark and seedy underbelly and after my experiences there I have reason to believe that many of the employees in the local shops are planted firmly in the pocket of Big Papyrus. Proceed with caution. It’s a dangerous world out there.

Ooka Japanese Steakhouse - Doylestown, PA

Last weekend, I took a roadtrip to Pennsylvania to visit some of my relatives in the Philadelphia suburbs. While I was there, I decided to go to one of my favorite sushi restaurants on earth – Ooka Japanese Steakhouse in Doylestown, Pennsylvania.

After consuming a delicious seaweed salad, rainbow roll, and lobster dynamite roll, I sat back – completely satisfied with my dining experience. Then, all of a sudden, the waitress brought me the check – and with it, a mint with the name of the restaurant printed on the wrapper using Papyrus font! I quickly grabbed my phone and snapped a photograph. The image is blurry, but the implications are clear: even the best sushi restaurants can make mistakes when it comes to branding and aesthetics.

Normally, in a situation like this I would have refused to pay the bill at the establishment, but – as I said – Ooka is really, really good. So I decided to extend some grace – I paid the bill, thanked the waitress, and lit the drapes on fire as I left the restaurant. Everyone’s a winner.

Last week, I decided that if I really wanted to get serious about Papyrus hunting, I needed to take my patrolling to the big city. So I grabbed my equipment – my camera, my Papyrus-binoculars, and a package of Twizzlers Pull-n-peel – and I hopped a train to the Big Apple. Almost immediately after I stepped off the train in Grand Central Station, I spotted Papyrus…

Papyrus Store - New York City

Unfortunately, it was only the store, which is stupid enough to name itself after the most overused font in the world, but smart enough to not make use of the most overused font in the world. I slumped my shoulders and took to the streets. I hailed a taxi cab and asked the driver to take me to the nearest “Papyrus offender,” but he didn’t seem to understand my thick American accent. So instead, I decided that I would walk the streets alone. Sure enough, just moments later as I walked from Central Park toward Lincoln Plaza, the scent of Papyrus loomed ominously in the air. I looked up and sure enough there was sign for O’Neal’s Restaurant, written in 100%, unadulterated Papyrus.

O'Neals Restaurant - New York City

I quickly snapped a photograph, then I proceded to stand in the doorway of the restaurant during the dinner rush telling their potential clientele that they should dine in a location with a better taste in font and aesthetic. After I was escorted from the restaurant by two security officers, I took a cab back to Grand Central Station and caught the next train home. I would say that my first Papyrus hunt in New York was a success – here’s to hoping it was only the first of many hunts in the Big Apple.

Arizona Iced Tea

Dear Arizona Iced Tea,

Don’t get me wrong, I like the taste of your beverages – your iced tea is up to par with that of all of your competitors. You even have unique bottles that make your products stand out on shelves. You have won numerous awards for the quality and packaging of your drinks. And you have a history of being charitable and donating a percentage of your profits to worthy causes. Really, I’m generally a fan. But there is one thing that confuses me.

You are a big company that is worth a lot of money. As recently as 2007, the Tata Group made an effort to buy your product line for $2 billion dollars. You donate hundreds of thousands of dollars every year to charity. You have the money – you don’t need to brand yourself with an overused Papyrus typeface that comes for free with Microsoft Word. In fact, with the amount of money you have, you could afford to hire Chris Costello, the designer of Papyrus, and have him make you a new font from scratch – one that is unique and doesn’t cause most people of good aesthetic taste to dry-heave on sight.

As much as I like your products, I am going to have to refrain from purchasing or consuming them until you show a little more initiative in making good font choices. After all, when I purchase a beverage, I am purchasing an experience – not just a drink, an aesthetic – and frankly, your aesthetic has completely ruined my ability to keep drinks (and foods) down.

Sincerely,

Phil

Community Bulletin Board - North Adams, MA

While wandering through North Adams, MA, I realized that there was a disturbing lack of Papyrus to be found. Don’t get me wrong – I was very happy to be avoiding contact with it. But usually, when you go too long without seeing Papyrus you know that you aren’t looking hard enough. So, I looked harder. And there, in the corner of my eye I saw a Community Bulletin Board. For those of you who don’t know, Community Bulletin Boards are the dank, breeding grounds for bad fonts. I quickly surveyed my find and, sure enough, spotted a poster that read “Calling to Loon: Embracing Your Inner Wilderness” and advertised a sculpture and writing workshop in Vermont. I quickly pulled out a marker and changed the “L” in “Loon” to an “M” – thereby making the sign read “Calling to Moon.” I walked away proudly – anyone who would attend a “Calling to Moon” seminar  probably deserves to be brainwashed by Papyrus-using cretins. Mission Accomplished.

NOTE: Searching for Papyrus at community bulletin boards is not recommended for novice Papyrus Patrolmen. Because the amount of Papyrus present on such boards can be abundant and overwhelming to even the most experienced patrolmen, we recommend that newbies search out Papyrus in more open areas before taking on a community bulletin board. In the fight against Papyrus, always put safety first.

Brown Family Farm - Brattleboro, VT

While I was in Great Barrington, on the prowl for ‘Papyrus,‘ I happened upon a small grocery store along the main street that runs through town. When I walked in, I saw a large shelf filled with Vermont maple syrup. Then, as I looked closer at this shelf, my stomach turned. There, before my eyes, stood a bottle of Vermont Maple syrup – one of the tastiest creations on earth – that said Brown Family Farm in a papyrus font – one of the nastiest creations on earth. Needless to say, I went home to do some research on the offender, but when I went to the Brown Family Farm website, I was bombarded with papyrus. I couldn’t breathe so I quickly shut down and torched my computer. It seems the enemy grows stronger with each new day.

Robin's Candy Store, Great Barrington, MA

For the past few days I have been in western Massachusetts. It’s a nice area – scenic landscapes, rolling hills, pickup trucks. But it is far from flawless: papyrus font is everywhere. I have a number of Papyrus Alerts to upload, but I’ll start with this one. In Great Barrington, MA there are some great restaurants and shops along the main downtown stretch. Among these is Robin’s Candy Store. As the name suggets, the store mostly sells candy, but as I filled my shopping basket with succulent treats, I noticed a small basket of buttons on the counter. The basket contained a small sign written in papyrus font. Immediately, I called the cashier over and violently threw each item in my basket at her, screaming that I would not return until the establishment had purged its papyrus infestation. They lost one customer that evening, and I suggest that all of you loyal readers refrain from shopping there too until they clean up their act – and by “act,” I mean “fonts.”

UPDATE: It has come to my attention that this ‘Papyrus sighting’ is misleading. While the sighting did occur within Robin’s Candy Store in Great Barrington, MA, the sign was not native to the shop. Furthermore, it has come to my attention that Robin’s Candy Store once used ‘Papyrus’ as an official font, but changed typefaces when it started becoming overused. I commend this decision and hereby lift my self-imposed boycott of Robin’s Candy Shop. However, when I return for my candy, I will not be purchasing any ‘Very Funny Large Buttons’  – even if everyone does need one.

Rainforest Cafe, Burlington MA

Ladies and gentlemen, it was on an innocent expedition to the Rainforest Cafe that I was given a ‘Passport to Adventure.‘ First of all, this passport isn’t really a passport, it is simply a piece of paper that means that you get to go wait in line. Pretty deceptive, lame. Second, as I looked closely at the (non)passport, I realized that it was not only lame – it used Papyrus font!

Needless to say, I dropped the passport immediately, left the restaurant, and took my business elsewhere. But unfortunately, I will never be able to fully retrieve or redeem those few brief seconds that I was forced to hold that Papyrus passport in my hands.

Dear readers, heed my warning: stay away from the Rainforest Cafe or you may lose more than just a few seconds of your time…you may lose your dignity altogether.

It is a widely known fact that Papyrus is the most overused, obnoxious font known to mankind. As part of my ongoing effort to make the world a better, safer, beautifuler place I have decided to create Papyrus Patrol as a way to raise awareness for this infestation and to keep readers informed on the various uses and locations of Papyrus, that they might avoid them at all cost. You’re welcome. Please feel free to send in photos and locations when you experience a papyrus sighting too!

Edible Arrangements, Portsmouth, NH

Our first offender is the Edible Arrangements franchise located in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. After some light research I have discovered that there are 847 Edible Arrangements stores nationwide. That’s a lot of Papyrus. Thankfully, the Edible Arrangements website provides a store locator so that internet-savvy customers can locate and avoid each and every one of them as payback for their unoriginal choice in font. Thanks, Edible Arrangements!